February 24, 2024 · 7 min read
What Couples Fight About When They're Not Fighting About That
The dishes are rarely about the dishes. A look at what's underneath the recurring arguments in long-term relationships.
Almost every couple I work with has a 'greatest hits' list — the same two or three arguments, on repeat, for years. The topics change. The shape of the fight does not.
Underneath most of those repeating arguments is a much smaller, much more tender question: do you see me? Do I matter to you? Will you choose me, even when it's inconvenient?
Learning to translate the surface complaint into the underlying need is one of the most useful skills a couple can build together. It softens the fight, because suddenly you're on the same side of it.